“The reason that a child behaves unfriendly or breaks something up is always innocent. Sometimes she is playful and cheerful and another time she is aggressive or angry, she is unhappy or confused. The more difficult the behavior, the more the child is in pain and needs your love and understanding. In other words, there is no such thing as bad behavior in children. Instead, there is a child who does the best she can and we do not understand her. “- Naomi Aldort
Parents are often surprised to learn that I do not believe in what we think of disciplining (hitting, consequences, setting aside) because it prevents children from becoming responsible, disciplined people. “How will my child learn to behave?” They ask. My answer is that children learn through what they experience. The most effective way to teach children that is to treat them in the way that we want them to treat others: with compassion and understanding. When we hit, punish or shout, children learn to act aggressively.
Even setting aside – symbolically leaving it to oneself – gives children the message that they are alone with their fears, especially when they need us the most, instead of an opportunity to learn to deal with their emotions. (But I am a big fan of a child from that situation and get close to helping him to deal with the feelings that made him act accordingly.) That does not mean that we neglect our responsibility to raise our children by set limits. Do not run into the street, hit the baby, do not pee on the carpet, do not pick the tulips from the neighbors. Do not hurt the dog. But these are limits, not a punishment. You will wonder how your child will learn not to do these things next time, if you do not “discipline” him when he does them?
In fact, research shows that punishing children causes more misconduct. Being punished makes children angry and defensive. It stimulates adrenalin and the other fights, escape or stiff hormones and sets out the reasonable, concerted impulses. Children quickly forget the “bad” behavior that led to their punishment, even if they spent weeks processing the emotional aftermath of the punishment. If they learn anything, it is to lie to avoid being caught. Punishment removes us from our children so we have less influence on them. It even lowers the IQ because children who do not feel safe and secure are not free to learn. Very simple, punishment is never an effective way to raise the child into a responsible, friendly, happy child. It teaches him all the wrong lessons.
However, if instead we can remain friendly and involved while setting limits, our children will understand. They do not oppose our leadership, so they feel involved and see their influence on others and they are both responsible and responsible. Because they had parents who were an example for emotional self-control, they learned to deal with their own emotions and therefore their own behavior. Because they are accepted for everything they are, they are connected with their own passions and motivated to examine them.
10 -Ways to guide children without punishment:
1.Regulate your own emotions.
That is how children learn to deal with theirs. Do not act when you are angry. If you can not be connected to the love for your child, what would a really great parent do right now? Then do that. If you can not, take a deep breath before you respond to the situation. Resist the impulse to punish. It always works counterproductive.
2. Take feelings seriously.
When your child is overwhelmed by adrenalin and other fight-or flight hormones, he can not learn anything. Instead of preaching, take him with you and let him collapse with your present attention. Your goal is to give a “supportive environment” to your child that is upset. Expressing emotions with a safe, attentive, accepting adult is what helps a child go through these feelings and learn to calm themselves down so that they can eventually regulate their own emotions. Do not try to reason with him during the emotional storm. In retrospect, he feels so much better and so much closer to you that he will be open to your leadership. We do not say: “Be quiet” (because this harms feelings) or lying (because it cuts through the invisible cords that connect our hearts).
3. Remind you how children learn.
Think of the example of tooth brushing. Start when she is a baby, do it with your own teeth, make it fun for her and little by little you give her more responsibility and eventually she will do it herself. The same principle applies to Thank You, making turns, memorizing her things, feeding her pet, doing homework and doing most of everything you can think of. Routines are invaluable because they are the construction for your child to learn basic skills, just as foundation is the condition for building a building. You might be angry because she forgot her coat again, but screaming will not help her think about it. “Support” will help.
4. Make contact before you correct
And stay in touch, even if you lead the situation, and your child’s desire to do his best to awaken. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad and separate from us.
Do you stoop and look in her eyes: “You are angry … tell me what you want with words … do not bite!”
Pick her up: “You want to play longer … it’s bedtime.”
Make sweet eye contact: “You are so upset now.”
Put your hand on her shoulder: “You’re afraid to tell me about the cookie.”
5. Set limits … but emphasize them.
Of course it is necessary to stick to a few rules, but you can also recognize its position. When children feel understood, they are better able to accept our limitations.
“No biting! You are very angry and hurt, but you have to tell your brother with words. ”
“It is now bedtime. I know you want to play longer. ”
“You do not want mom to say NO, I can hear you … And the answer is NO. We do not say “shut up”, even if we are sad and angry. ”
“How frightened you are, I want you to tell me the truth.”
6. Remember that all “bad behavior” is an expression, no matter how ill-considered, of really needing something.
He has a reason, even if you think it is not real. Is his behavior terrible? Then he must feel awful inside. Does he need more sleep. More time with you, more rest, more possibility to cry and let go of these unsettling emotions that we all save? Go to the underlying need and solve the misbehavior.
7. Say YES.
Children will do almost everything we ask them if the question is loving. Think of a way to say YES instead of NO, even if you set your limits. “YES, it’s time to clean up and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower and YES you can grumble and YES if we get along, we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I find you loving and YES what am I happy to be your parent. YES”. Your child will respond in a way that fits your mood generously.
8. Spend “Qualitytime” every day with your child.
Turn off the phone, close the computer and tell your child “Okay, for the next twenty minutes I’m all for you. What shall we do?”. Give her the lead. The world is full of humiliations for children, so for these twenty minutes you are just a bumblebee and let her win. Giggle frees up fear and anxiety, so make sure you play, giggle, do silly. Hold a pillow fight, wrestle, lie nice to each other. Let her tell her what keeps her busy, let her rage or scream. Just accept all these feelings. Am there for 100%. Children who know that they can count on special time with their parents every day, because they have enough confidence to get their full load of emotions
Turn off the phone, close the computer and tell your child “Okay, for the next twenty minutes I’m all for you. What shall we do?”. Give her the lead. The world is full of humiliations for children, so for these twenty minutes you are just a bumblebee and let her win. Giggle frees up fear and anxiety, so make sure you play, giggle, do silly. Hold a pillow fight, wrestle, lie nice to each other. Let her tell her what keeps her busy, let her rage or scream. Just accept all these feelings. Am there for 100%. Children who know that they can count every day at special time with their parent, because they have enough confidence to express their full load of emotions and they will behave.
9. Forgive yourself.
You can not be an animated parent if you think badly about yourself. Just like your child is “behaving well” when she feels bad about herself. You can always restore the relationship.
10. If all else fails, embrace yourself firmly. Then go and embrace your child.
Connection surpasses everything in parenting. Do not you believe it? Try it this week and see what kind of miracle you can achieve.
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